Be Honest

Let me talk to you about feelings before we relax, because a lot of us were taught wrong.

First, this is not about letting everything out all the time. That's chaos. But here's a fact: people who keep it all in get sick from it. Body and mind. That's been measured. And most of us were handed the idea, on purpose or by accident, that feelings are dangerous and have to be kept down at any cost. So we learned to be a little ashamed of what we feel. Angry, jealous, even proud, even happy. We push it down and pretend it isn't there.

And that gets you the worst of both. You can't use the power in the feeling to do something, and you can't deal with what caused it. You think you're controlling it. It's running you from the basement.

Here's the truth. You don't choose what you feel. You can no more pick a feeling than you can pick today's weather. A feeling is your body answering something that happened. What you can do is what you do with weather: look at it honestly and decide. Umbrella, or t-shirt.

Two steps, and this is the whole skill.

One: name it. Sounds simple; it isn't always. Somebody cheats you, you know you're angry. You get offered the job you wanted, and you're glad and scared at the same time. Your boy lands something you wanted for yourself, and you can't tell if you're proud or jealous. Naming it, to yourself, honestly, both halves if there are two, is most of the work. Just naming it calms you down.

Two: pick how it shows. You can say it. You can act in a way that shows it. And sometimes you can decide not to show it at all. You're the one deciding. That's control. The other thing was hiding.

And you don't always need words. Watch a good actor. He never tells you what he feels. You know anyway. When you stop clamping down, your feelings start speaking for themselves at about the right volume.

Last thing. When you let the good ones show, the joy, the interest, the humor, the love, people are drawn to you. Right away. The one who lets you see they're glad you're there is the one everybody wants at the table.

So this session gives you permission. To feel the whole thing, name it, and let the right amount out. Not swamped. Not blocked. In charge.